Monday, 29 June 2009

Ivan Mládek & Banjo Band >> Jožin z bažin w Polsce

The tragic thing about listening to this album on Spotify is that you don't get the visuals of a live performance. Check it out on Youtube, it's unmissable.

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Friday, 26 June 2009

News: Alestorm is officially awesome

A while back, I asked for your opinions on pirate-metal rockers, Alestorm. Well, the votes are in, and the results are that Alestorm are officially awesome, with 78% of the votes. Thank you to everyone who voted.

The Flatulent Phantoms >> Halloween Monster Farts

Breaking news! Just when you thought you'd heard all the Halloween farting albums on this blog already, it turns out there's another one!

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Thanks for the tip-off, Sami-Pekka!

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

The Waitresses >> The Best Of

I'll probably get flamed for posting this here, but I feel it's justified. Could she sing with any less passion? Could her voice be any flatter? Sure they had that one Christmas hit, but a whole album in that awful speaking-rap is too much.

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Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Los Inhumanos >> Cara-Dura

Let's just take a moment to appreciate that wreck of an album cover. And now, let's listen to the Spanish language version of Nellie The Elephant. Tragic.

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Don't blame me, blame Stephen!

Monday, 22 June 2009

Katie Price & Peter Andre >> A Whole New World

This album is just one of many abominations of the past decade that would never have existed had it not been for the magic of AutoTune.

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Thanks to submitter Stephen, who is always pitch-perfect.

Sunday, 21 June 2009

Afrirampo >> Kore Ga Mayaku Da

I can't even understand what they're singing and I can tell it sounds bad.

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John Zorn >> First Recordings 1973

Is this what a bad trip sounds like? Kids, don't do drugs. You'll produce albums like this.

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Derek Bailey >> Carpal Tunnel

Derek Bailey has carpal tunnel syndrome, and that impedes his ability to play the guitar. I'm not personally convinced he'd be much better without the condition.

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Saturday, 20 June 2009

Various Artists >> A Buddha Lounge Tribute to the Beatles

"Mystical Far Eastern Versions of Classic Beatles Songs". These songs are neither mystical or far-eastern. They're just bad.

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Thanks again to Stephen, who is definitely very mystical.

Otomo Yoshihide >> Anode

"OK, here's the plan. We fill this room with instruments, then invite a bunch of six-year-olds in.. and record the result!"

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Merzbow >> A Taste Of...

I just don't get it. Why is this popular? OK it's Japanese and Japanese culture is popular, but this is just noise.. quite literally.

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Harry Partch >> 17 Lyrics of Li Po

This is like some kind of weird awful opera. With a violin. And no interesting plot.

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Friday, 19 June 2009

Palast Orchester mit seinem Sänger Max Raabe >> Superhits 2

That previous album was so awful I had to post this, the sequel; with even more horrifying covers of modern pop in a Cabaret style.

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I guess I should thank Lizzie again. You're so spoiled, Lizzie.

Palast Orchester mit seinem Sänger Max Raabe >> Superhits

Submitter Lizzie puts it best: "Cabaret takes on Britney Spears et al. resulting in a sound that could be described as 'eclectic'. Highlights include 'We Will Rock You', 'Blue (Da Ba Dee)' and the misleading title 'Sex Bomb'."

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Thanks, Lizzie!

Various Artists >> Sounds of London

All of the loudest, most annoying sounds of the streets of London compiled into one recording. Recommended for city-slickers who have moved to the countryside.

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Various Artists >> Rail Dynamics

Recorded on rainy nights along the tracks of the New York Central, this album is full of memories of the golden age of steam travel.

Or you could, y'know, just get on a train.

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Thursday, 18 June 2009

Various Artists >> Sounds of the Sea, Vol. 1

Underwater Sounds of Biological Origin. I think most of us know that there's not really anything interesting to hear underwater, but I guess back in 1952 people needed to hear it for themselves.

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Captain Jack >> Greatest Hits

Cheesy German euro-pop with a military theme. Wikipedia says he actually hated being in the Army, so it seems a strange choice of persona to take on.

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Submitted by loyal reader Tom, whose Spotify has started suggesting this rubbish to him.

Wild Man Fischer >> Pronounced Normal

"Fischer was institutionalized at age 16 for attacking his mother with a knife.[citation needed] He was later diagnosed with two mental disorders: severe paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder (manic depression)." Doesn't sound very normal to me.

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B.J. Snowden >> In Memory of My Father and My Life

"In memory of my Father and my life in Canada's Atlantic Provinces" to give the album it's full title, is a recording sung by a Massachusetts high school music teacher. I weep for the children.

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Eilert Pilarm >> Best of Elvis

Eilert doesn't look or sound like Elvis Presley. His grasp of English is poor, and his singing ability is atrocious. Yet, this is brilliant.

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Submitted by Ben, who wasn't sure if this counts. Oh it counts, Ben, it counts.

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Joyce Ackerson >> Joyce's Wedding Favorites

A friendly note to Joyce, if she's reading this (hi Joyce!): Not every song sounds good played on an electric organ. In fact, a lot of them sound pretty bad.

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Submitted by Tero. He loves the organ.

The Hit Crew >> Santa Paws

Woof woof woof, meow meow meow, woof meow woof meow. Meow meow. Woof. (Translated: Christmas music sung by cats and dogs).

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Submitted by Matt. Woof woof.

Poll: Awesome or Awful?

I've created a Poll to get your views on an artist I was introduced to the other day.

Their name is Alestorm, and they play metal with a pirate theme.

You can listen to their two albums by clicking below.

I want to know whether you think they are Awesome or Awful?

Vote now!

Spasm >> Spasm

This album is so dull, they didn't even bother to name the tracks. I had to skip to about two thirds of the way through track 3 before I even found anything resembling a rhythm.

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Various Artists >> Ultimate Trasher Vol.1

Bonus points for the bizarre album cover. I'm a little suspicious that this album is bad on purpose, given the ludicrous album art and strange title.

Maybe that's just normal in Germany?

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Anthony Ventura >> Music for Making Love

Anthony Ventura and his Orchestra. More like Anthony Ventura and his MIDI file. If I tried making love to this album, I'd have severe performance anxiety.

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Submitted by Brian, who doesn't need any help in the bedroom department.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

The Manakins >> Birds and Dolls

The great thing about Spotify getting lots more independent music, such as that from CDBaby, is I'll never run out of awful albums to post here.

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Evanescent Dream >> Evanescent Dream

Note to all aspiring bands out there. If you want to release an album, please ensure it's been through a proper mixing procedure first. If in doubt, listen to this album, and if yours sounds like this, don't release it.

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Various Artists >> Dating and Seduction Secrets: Seduction Guide for Bachelors

This album will help you meet women who wear giant shoes, and covers such thorny topics as "Crazy Women - The Early Warning Signs" and "You Just Had Great Sex - What To Do The Next Morning". I've got "The Big O" on repeat.

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Craig Townsend >> Mind Training for Tennis

The world of competitive sports are, of course, very competitive. Tennis especially so. So what's needed to be a tennis ace? Rigorous training? A punishing exercise schedule? Constant practice? No. You need hypnosis.

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Debi Weldon >> Soothing Stories and Music for the Solo Dog

I'm having trouble imagining who the target audience is for this album. Is it dogs? Is it dog owners? These are anecdotes from a dog's autobiography. Although wowhere does it mention the fact that the dog enjoys licking it's testicles.

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Monday, 15 June 2009

The Wet Ones >> Spooky Farts for Halloween

Seriously, does anyone need two albums full of farting noises over Halloween sound effects? Surely one is enough. You've heard one fart, you've heard them all.

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Lee Perry >> Black Ark Experryments

Q. What do you get when you mix reggae, electro, and a bottle of vodak?

A. This.

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Baboon Torture Division >> Greatest Hits

What's really worrying is not how terrible this album is, but that as I listen to it I'm almost starting to enjoy it. It's a kind of bizarre dirty electronic weirdness.

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Dion McGregor >> Dreams Again

Some talented musicans might claim that making an album is so easy they could do it in their sleep. Well, Dion McGregor really did create an album in his sleep. You see, he's a
Somniloquist (sleep-talker).

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Sunday, 14 June 2009

Mike Patton >> Adult Themes for Voice

This album was recorded in hotel rooms during a Faith No More tour. The 34 tracks consist mainly of Patton shouting, screaming, clapping, squeaking and moaning.

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The Zombie Blasters >> The Ultimate Halloween Fart Album

Nevermind those mediocre halloween fart albums that you've heard before, this is the ultimate halloween fart album!

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Thanks again to Stephen for this one. Don't try to blame the dog, Stephen, I know it was you!

Bokova Tatiana >> Children's/Family Songs

Come comrades, let us gather around the campfire, drink the vodaks, and sing children's songs (in Russian)! Da! Vyacheslav, did you bring the midi keyboard?

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Aqua >> Aquarius

Speaking of Aqua, here's their second album. (Un)fortunately their first isn't available on spotify, but there's plenty of copies of their most well-known hit, Barbie Girl.

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Cartoons >> More Toonage

Towards the end of the 20th century, the music-buying public went a little crazy and regressed into childhood. This allowed acts such as the Cartoons, Aqua and the Fast Food Rockers to sneak into the charts.

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Friday, 12 June 2009

Jonny Trunk >> Dirty Fan Male

Genuine Letters Written To Porn Stars. Filthy! Hilarious!! Disturbing!!!

It's disturbing, alright.

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Don Preston >> Works

I imagine that listening to this album is a little bit like being at a modern art gallery. You walk around, nodding your head at the exhibits pretending you understand them and making polite conversation. All the while you're thinking to yourself.. "what the hell is this crap?"

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Nichelle Nichols >> Out of This World

OK, how many more members of the Star Trek cast recorded albums? We've got Kirk, Spock, and now Uhura. Any more?

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Mrs. Miller >> Mrs. Miller

I wonder if Mrs. Miller is any relation to Mr. Miller? If so, they could be the most abominable pairing of super-villains since Dr. Evil and Mini Me. Let's hope they don't do a duet.

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Thursday, 11 June 2009

Mr. Miller >> I'm Henry VIII, I Am

Henry VIII died 462 years ago, so I'd like to dispute Mr. Miller's claim to be the legendary second monarch of the House of Tudor.

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Thanks again to submitter Stephen.

John Otway >> Under the Covers and Over the Top

This former bin-man has not one modicum of talent, but admirably doesn't let that get in the way of a long and successful musical career.

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Thanks to submitter Stephen for this atrocity.

Mary Schneider >> Yodelling The Classics

If there's one thing Australia is best known for, it's Yodelling!

Can you believe there's 2 CD's worth of this noise?

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Rednex >> Sex & Violins

The trouble with having a smash-hit novelty song is that people then expect you to release an album full of hits, and that never happens.

Instead what you get is this.

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Strawberry Shortcake >> Music For Dress Up Days

I pondered whether or not to include this album. After all, it's a kids album not really meant for grown-up listening.

And then the singing started.

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