Sunday, 23 September 2018

Lou Reed >> Metal Machine Music

This album, believe it or not, was so terrible that the record company actually sent apology notices out to all of the record stores that carried it.  Imagine yourself sitting in a dentist's chair and having a drill in your mouth, without novocaine, with rusty nails being driven into your fingers, with an insane circus clown honking a horn in your ear while throwing pies in your face for hours and hours and hours. That feeling is this album.

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Sunday, 16 September 2018

Nick Knowles >> Every Kind of People

DIY SOS host Nick Knowles has stepped away from the tool box and into the studio as he releases his debut album, and people have been giving it some hilarious reviews.  "The singing is quite simply astonishing. Nick brays along pleasingly in a raspy bass-type fashion: part Tom Waits, part throttled warthog. The musical arrangements are right up there with your average pub singalong (but not quite as good, but it’s close)."

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Sunday, 9 September 2018

Studio Group >> Jungle Porn Soundtrack

What better combination could there be than the moans, squeals, grunts and sighs of a porn movie accompanied by the tribal music sounds of some jungle dwelling community?

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Is it warm in here or is it just me?

Thanks to Sami-Pekka, who submitted this to me a loooong time ago.

Sunday, 2 September 2018

Orchestre Sein du Wun >> Musiques Khmères royales & populaires

Reader Niklas writes; "Here’s a masterpiece that I found when browsing through the wonders of Spotify one evening. I would like to introduce you to Burmese party-banger and club-shaking sounds. And if you play any song from this album, you’ll appreciate rhythm all of a sudden."

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He's not wrong.  Like a class of primary school children at a musical recital.  Thanks, Niklas!

Sunday, 26 August 2018

Hot Time Harv's Rollercoaster of Kicks >> Hot Time Harv's Rollercoaster of Kicks

Hot Time Harv might have a modicum of talent; he sure can play the ukulele, but why does he have to sing in that ridiculous voice? 

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Sunday, 19 August 2018

Subconscious Language Learning Shaman - English / Chinese Volume 1

I'm not convinced that listening to any of these subconscious language learning albums will do anything for your ability to speak in foreign tongues, but I'm willing to be proven otherwise.

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Sunday, 12 August 2018

Pooping Poop Poopers and Shouting Girls Crying Man >> Penis Man Laughing at 80's Fashion Tips with Banana Hookers

hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me Pooping Poop Poopers and Shouting Girls Crying Man!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… love and waffles, Pooping Poop Poopers and Shouting Girls Crying Man.

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Sunday, 5 August 2018

The Medicine of Music >> Songs of Love: Pop, Vol. 324

Volume 324. Really. There are hundreds of these wholesome albums singing about people, their redeeming qualities, and things they enjoy. The titles don't seem to relate to the song besides the name, leading to such bizarre examples as "Kaylee loves Bells, Gardevoir, and Stretching" and "Joshua loves Aston Martin, Liechtenstein, and Teacher".

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Anyone got an explanation for these albums?

Sunday, 29 July 2018

Brian C >> Coming of Age

No, don't worry, you haven't lost all hearing in your left ear; the first song is really mixed 100% to the right speaker.  The album does manage to return to stereo for the remainder, but doesn't really improve in any other way.

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Sunday, 22 July 2018

Lou Reed and Metallica >> Lulu

I might get some hate for this post but here goes anyway.  I like Metallica.  I like Lou Reed.  Both are accomplished artists and both have produced some great music.  However, this collaboration is just absolute trash.  Really, truly awful.

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I'm not sure in which regions this album is available on Spotify, but if the above link doesn't work for you there are other ways of listening to it, which I recommend you do.  Just once.

Sunday, 15 July 2018

Farrah Abraham >> My Teenage Dream Ended

In a review for this album, a writer for Entertainment Weekly wrote, "Vocal effects are applied so thickly that you can’t really understand a word Abraham is yelping. Blessing in disguise?" Some critics have lauded the record's indescribable sound as "brilliantly baffling and alienating", while others have stated that it will make the listener "want to kill themself."  Sounds perfect to me.

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Sunday, 8 July 2018

Fruity Water >> Thirst Takes

This duo from Brighton, England have a pretty nice sound, sort of synth-pop influenced.  They're super serious, too.  They have a twitter, facebook, instagram, and play gigs.  Why has nobody told them the singer just can't sing?

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Sunday, 1 July 2018

Chief Kooffreh >> Star Sunshine Music

Today is the 1st of July, traditionally a warm and sunny time of year in the northern hemisphere.  What could be a better celebration of summer than sunshine music? 

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Sunday, 24 June 2018

Fate vs Free Willy >> New Dead End

Headache-inducing guitar noise and barking sounds that I assume are attempts at singing, all recorded, given the amount of reverb, in what I assume is a large plastic tube.

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Sunday, 17 June 2018

Bingo Gazingo - Bingo Gazingo

More bizarre music from the "why would anyone record this, let alone listen to it" category.  Weird ramblings on wide-ranging topics set to music.  Perhaps it's some sort of poetry or performance art?  Who knows.

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Sunday, 10 June 2018

Magic Tricks >> I Got Bored

Terrible rap is a regular staple on this blog, so here's another completely forgettable album to throw on that particular trash-pile.

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Sunday, 3 June 2018

Matt Farley >> Official Motern Media Playlist

June 3rd is the birthday of prolific singer-songwriter Matt Farley. You might remember I featured a few of his albums back in March this year. He has declared that on his birthday everyone in the world must listen to the OFFICIAL MOTERN MEDIA PLAYLIST on Spotify.  Who am I to argue?

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Sunday, 27 May 2018

Party Boy Sings >> Pussy Crazy at the Forbidden Bowling Alley

This artist has an amazing 17 albums on Spotify, with titles such as "Farts and Poo in a Toilet Full of Pee", "Bohemian Ass Disco with a Pubic Rhapsody", "Peeing and Pooping in My Pants", and "Whacky Farty Party with Huge Titties".  Normally I would assume he had let his four-year-old son choose the names, but having listened to some of the songs I'm not convinced.

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Sunday, 20 May 2018

The Willett Family >> The Roving Journeymen

Something a little different for you this week. From the depths of Spotify's archive comes this 1969 album of English traditional songs, sung by Ben, Tom, and Chris Willett. Despite the obvious age in their singing voices it's not bad, but I have to wonder who would buy this and why?

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Sunday, 13 May 2018

Wing >> Wing's Greatest Hits

I last featured Wing on this blog back in 2009, and we're very much overdue for a revisit.  If you've never heard of Wing before, she's a Chinese singer who covers songs in her own inimitable style. A real treat for the ears.

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Sunday, 6 May 2018

Joey and Martha Welz >> When Two Become One

This autobiographical album seems like a sweet idea at first. What puzzles me though is why they would ever release it to the public? Not only that, but there's a second album with more of the same!

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Sunday, 29 April 2018

Léon fa Du Fond >> Biggest OG in Ottawa

Straight from the autotune dimension, this French-Canadian rapper somehow manages a well produced album despite his lack of vocal talents. A polished turd.

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Sunday, 22 April 2018

DJ Matari >> Greatness

Greatness is living on the inside of you, claims DJ Matari.  However, his actions don't mirror his words, as he was arrested earlier this month for stealing the Oscar trophy from American actress Frances McDormand. "Are sick beats supposed to make me feel physically sick like this?" writes AlbinoWino11.

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Sunday, 15 April 2018

William Verkler >> ExtermiNation

"Instrumentals with Sound Effects", and "POPULATION CONTROL: Not the Sort of CHANGE I Expected" adorn the cover of this album of synth... music?  Lots more albums from this artist to check out, all equally awful.

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Sunday, 8 April 2018

The Mike Korzak Band >> Uncle Beanies Band

I imagine the recording of this album went a little like this: "OK, we're recording? Yeah? Great. Can you turn it up? A bit more? A bit more? All the way up. Now boost it a little more. Yeah that's good. Perfect.  Now, start the drum machine."

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I love the fact that every album this artist has uses the same cover photo.